America: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Oracle Five
Summary: A technical manual on the care and keeping of your AMERICA unit! Published in cooperation with Hetaliacorp.


I know there's already a lovely series of Hetalia-themed _Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manuals_, but I still wanted to post this...so here it is. Permission for this format acquired ages ago from the original writer. Please enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Axis Powers Hetalia is not owned by me.

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_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated AMERICA unit! To ensure you get the full use and benefits of your new International Superpower, please read the following information very carefully:

_**Technical Specifications -**_

_Name:_ United States of America (will also respond to 'America', 'Alfred F. Jones', and 'The Hero!')

_Date of Manufacture:_ Four days prior to shipping (separate from Date of Birthday)

_Date of Birthday:_ July 4th, 1776 (separate from Date of Manufacture)

_Place of Manufacture:_ HetaliaCorp, New World Division

_Hair Color:_ Dirty Blonde

_Eye Color:_ Blue

_Height:_ Tall

_Weight:_ Much (Caution: AMERICA units do not appreciate being asked their exact weight)

_Length:_ Average

Your AMERICA unit comes with this basic set of fun accessories! More accessories, if desired, can be purchased from our online store at any time. Please consult the list to ensure all of your AMERICA unit's accessories have arrived properly.

One (1) Pair of Spectacles

One (1) Bomber Jacket

One (1) Army Uniform, Tan

Two (2) Colt Manufacturing Company-brand revolvers (exact model will vary between units)

Four (4) Boxes of Bullets

One (1) Bag of Hamburgers

One (1) Map of the United States (accurate as of the date of unit's manufacture)

When you first open the large box containing your new AMERICA unit, you may find him disoriented or confused. Please make certain to open the box in a relatively calm environment on American soil. If you do not live in the United States, the nearest America Embassy will do; failing that, the closest McDonald's will also work.

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**_Programming -_  
**

The AMERICA unit is a cheerful unit with several useful skills to provide you with good times and lots of laughs during his time with you. He is proficient at the following job types:

_HEAVY LIFTING_ – Due to his freakish super-strength, your AMERICA unit will excel at any task that requires something extremely heavy to be moved from one place to another. His known maximum weight limit is One African Bull Elephant.

_BODYGUARD_ – The AMERICA unit loves to defend the weak and save the day! With his arsenal of military training and many, many guns will ensure that you and your loved ones will probably be safe from almost any danger imaginable! (Warning: we are not responsible for any property damage and/or deportations resulting from your AMERICA unit's guarding of you)

_TASTE-TESTER_ – A charming feature of the AMERICA unit is his ability to eat literally anything and not die from it. If you're concerned about your food quality, have your AMERICA unit take a bite and he'll tell you if he thinks an ENGLAND unit might be sending "food" your way.

_PARTY ANIMAL_ – Never have a boring party again! Your AMERICA unit is a lively fellow and will turn any potential snooze fest into a rip-roaring good time for all! Once again, we are not responsible for property damage caused by your AMERICA unit.

AMERICA units come with a variety of modes, allowing for a wide range of interactions!

Happy Manic (default)

Mildly Befuddled

I'm the Hero!

Don't Tread on Me

Crazy Innovator

Serious Business (locked)

Red Scare (locked)

Dere-Dere (locked)

Hippimerica (locked)

Crying Like a Girl (rare)

Please note that several of your AMERICA unit's modes are **locked:**

_Serious Business_ mode is your AMERICA unit's general anger setting, and will only be triggered in dire, usually life-or-death situations.

_Red Scare_ mode is usually unlocked after your AMERICA unit spends too much time around a RUSSIA unit – he will become paranoid regarding potential communists in the area and may become violent if not taken seriously.

_Hippimerica_, as the name implies, is unlocked by consumption of illegal drugs such as marijuana and LSD, and is therefore locked because those things are probably illegal where you live.

_Dere-Dere_, which also serves as the SLASH setting, requires spending time around other units in compatible modes to unlock – and even then, your AMERICA unit may stubbornly refused to lock it.

_Crying Like a Girl_ mode is not locked, but can only be triggered by a CANADA unit in Rant mode.

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_**Relations with Other Units -**_

_ENGLAND:_ Your AMERICA unit will probably spend most of his time with this unit. Their relationship is rather 'complicated', and depending on what mode each unit is set in their interactions can range from loving brotherhood to open violence.

_FRANCE:_ A longtime friend to your AMERICA unit. Interactions are generally peaceful and AMERICA units enjoy saving FRANCE units from GERMANY units when the opportunity arises, but please be aware of potential molestations by said FRANCE unit. In addition, your AMERICA unit's relations with any ENGLAND units may/will suffer if a FRANCE unit is present.

_CANADA:_ ...Your AMERICA unit apparently has a brother. AMERICA units seem to get along with CANADA units most of the time, in that the AMERICA unit will ignore what the CANADA unit has to say and will assume the CANADA unit will do whatever the AMERICA unit wants to do, but beware of the CANADA unit's Rant mode! It will inevitably trigger your AMERICA unit's Crying Like a Girl mode!

_RUSSIA:_ At best, this unit will serve as a rival for your AMERICA unit. Prolonged exposure to RUSSIA units will trigger Red Scare mode in your AMERICA unit, but showing the AMERICA unit that the RUSSIA unit is not in Soviet Russia mode can bring him back to normal.

_CHINA:_ This unit will get along fairly well with the AMERICA unit, but be careful of letting the AMERICA unit borrow too much money from the CHINA unit!

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_**Cleaning Your AMERICA Unit -**_

AMERICA units are generally self-washing, but if you feel the need to hand-wash your unit a shower or bath are both acceptable methods of cleaning. Make certain to towel dry your AMERICA unit. Do not tumble-dry unit. Do not line-dry unit. Do not dry-clean unit.

_**Powering Your AMERICA Unit -**_

AMERICA units require a high-calorie diet to maintain themselves. If left unattended, your AMERICA unit will feed himself easily by simply going to McDonald's for every meal. While his metabolism is such that this diet will not harm him, AMERICA units are sensitive to comments regarding their weight and he may attempt increasingly bizarre dieting techniques the more fast food you allow him to consume. Regular healthy meals are recommended, while ice cream should only be served as an occasional treat.

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_**Frequently Asked Questions –**_

**Q:** My AMERICA unit is stuck in Red Scare mode! And when I tried to show him the neighbor's RUSSIA unit wasn't a communist anymore, he threatened to report me to the House Un-American Activities Committee!

**A:** Your best bet is to unlock Hippimerica mode. The easiest method is to acquire and lace your AMERICA unit's food with LSD. After high wears off, your AMERICA unit should be back to normal. Also, please try not to get arrested with illegal drugs in your possession.

**Q:** Where did my AMERICA unit go? I swear he was here just a second ago...

**A:** That's not an AMERICA unit, that's...what do you call it...a CANADA unit, right! Those things disappear all the time, it's normal.

**Q:** I want to hook up my AMERICA unit with the ENGLAND unit I just bought, but no matter what I have my ENGLAND unit do my AMERICA unit just won't unlock Dere-Dere mode!

**A:** Has your ENGLAND unit tried playing hard-to-get? Or perhaps put himself in some sort of immense physical danger that your AMERICA unit can rescue him from?

**Q:** I opened the box as instructed, but my AMERICA unit is a girl! Did I miss a step or something?

**A:** As it turns out, wild AMERIKO units like to sneak into the factory and hide in the boxes. If you wish to return your AMERIKO unit for a regular AMERICA unit, please mail the unit back, along with a copy of the original receipt, and we will ship out a regular AMERICA unit at no extra charge. If an AMERIKO is shipped to you again during the process, we recommend taking an interest in gender-bending.

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_**Troubleshooting -**_

**Problem –** A random UFO just abducted your AMERICA unit.

**Solution –** The UFO probably belongs to a TONY unit. AMERICA and TONY units get along famously, but if the TONY unit does not return your AMERICA unit within a week, buy or borrow a TONY unit of your own to go get him back – the TONY has taken your AMERICA on a tour of the universe and won't be back in your lifetime otherwise.

**Problem –** Your AMERICA and ENGLAND units have gone from happy best friends to trying to shoot each other with muskets without any warning. The bouts of attempted murder come at random and both units are extremely distressed by the situation.

**Solution –** AMERICA and ENGLAND units sometimes experience a glitch that causes them to repeatedly reenact certain events from the American Revolutionary War. Online Tech Support can guide you on how to cure the glitch, but your AMERICA and ENGLAND units will be wary around each other for a while afterwards.

**Problem –** Your AMERICA unit came as a small child in a little gown-thing instead of as an adult-sized unit.

**Solution –** Occasionally AMERICA units leave the factory early, resulting in CHIBIMERICA units. Please be patient, your CHIBIMERICA unit will soon experience a massive growth spurt that will bring him to normal size. It is recommended you do not expose any ENGLAND units to the CHIBIMERICA unit as they will try to keep him small for as long as possible and become traumatized when he grows up anyway.

**Problem –** The CHIBIMERICA unit has a funny hair curl on the side of his head and refuses to shut up about pasta and/or won't stop swearing.

**Solution –** You have accidentally received either a free CHIBITALIA unit or a CHIBI ROMANO unit. While both are signature HetaliaCorp units, if you would prefer the AMERICA unit you paid for please mail back the incorrect unit along with a copy of your receipt.

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With proper care and maintenance, your AMERICA unit will live a long and happy life living under your roof. His warranty is good through to the next World War, should one occur. If at any point you no longer wish to continue owning your AMERICA unit, arrange for him to be abducted by a TONY unit. _Thank you for shopping at HetaliaCorp!_


End file.
